Coweb

It’s time to start paying attention to martial arts movies again. We’re not quite out of the desert through which we’ve been wandering, but there’s definitely an oasis on the horizon.

Armageddon: The Final Challenge

At the top of my list of experiences I don’t need recreated for me by a movie would be the frustrating tedium of phone-based customer support.

Circadian Rhythm

I tried real hard, Circadian Rhythm. I tried real hard to like, then tolerate, then at the very least, appreciate on some level what you were doing. But in the end, I just couldn’t pull it off. There just wasn’t any salvaging this date, and although you were cute and I liked your glasses and…

Cherry 2000

Cherry 2000 gleefully embraces all the excess, quirks, and questionable art and design decisions that embodied the 1980s, resulting in a post-apocalypse film as imagined by Patrick Nagel.

Split Second

By 1992’s Split Second, Rutger Hauer had either become so good at acting bored that he seemed totally bored with the movie, or he was totally bored with the movie.

Greatest Movie Ever: Howling 2

The Greatest Movie Ever! podcast invited me on to stammer and giggle and eventually be edited into some semblance of coherence — or at least as much coherence as can be wrung from the colossally oddball Howling 2: Your Sister is a Werewolf, movie as famous for it’s depiction of Christopher Lee in new wave…

Raiders of Atlantis

The crew of the salvage vessel find themselves stranded (except for their helicopter) in a seemingly deserted coastal town, and by seemingly, I mean that there are plenty of corpses placed in various humorous and surprising “tumble out at ya” locations.

Zombie Hunter Rika

It seems like Japan makes about five zombie movies a week, each one more half-assed than the last. When Italy and the United States lost interest in the zombie film, Japan decided to crank a few out.

Tales from Earthsea

Tales from Earthsea fails as a movie on pretty much every level other than background painting. Because I try to be positive, I will say that whatever slave wage artists Goro had drawing the backgrounds, especially in the city scenes, earned their paycheck.

Hidden Fortress: The Last Princess

This movie was treading into precarious territory before I even saw it. Hidden Fortress is one of my favorite movies and not one I felt was in any need of being remade. Still, I’m nothing if not fair-minded and bored late at night, so I decided to give this remake a chance.

Warlords

Li has often been impressive, but rarely scary. This movie changes that, even as it clads him in a suit of armor I don’t doubt is historically accurate but looks ridiculous never the less.

Bad Blood

Director Denis Law seems committed to returning the Hong Kong martial arts movie to the glory days of when they had awesome stunt and fight choreography and were terrible in just every other way, but we forgave them because of the action scenes (or did you watch Iron Angels for the writing?). Bad Blood is…