The Top and Bottom of 2016

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Doing a most popular/least popular for the year is a statistical trick, since some articles have been around for the better part of a decade while others went up just last week. But I feel reasonable doing it anyway, since the new stuff tends to outrank the old stuff anyway, thanks to the impact of social media on newer articles. Plus, it’s not like the fate of the world hinges on accurately interpreting the metrics of Teleport City. And so it is with great fanfare played by a monkey with a squeeze box that I present to you the top and bottom ten most/least popular articles on the site during 2016.

Love Me! The 10 least read articles of 2016

10. R-Point

This South Korean film takes an interesting premise and fucks it up royally. A group of Korean soldiers in Vietnam (they assist Americna troops), hole up in an old French colonial mansion and find themselves set upon by a vengeful ghost. Somehow, the filmmakers screw up that golden plot, but that’s no reason not to show the review of it a little love.

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9. Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth

What if you made fun of a Hellraiser movie and nobody came?

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8. High Road to China

Tom Selleck stars in an Indiana Jones rip-off that should have been great but features so much bickering and childish arguing that it makes it hard to enjoy Wilford Brimley shooting cannons at Brian Blessed.

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7. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

Ian Fleming’s James Bond novels took a turn for the really serious and emotionally traumatic with this excursion into the Swiss Alps.

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6. The Maze

A classic tale of a woman traveling to a spooky castle to see why her husband is being such a weirdo, only to discover there’s a hideous secret lurking at the center of the castle’s hedge maze.

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5. Kilink Ucan Adama Karsi

A murderer in a skeleton themed body suit fights a superhero un striped underwear in this classic of Turkish pulp cinema.

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4. Gimlets with Fleming and Marlowe

A brief history of one of hardboiled detective Philip Marlowe’s favorite cocktails.

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3. Casus Kiran

Todd Stadtman’s entertaining look at a similarly entertaining slice of psychotronic Turkish action cinema.

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2. Neon City

Lyle Alzado and Les Nesman from WKRP pile into a battle truck with Michael Ironside and Vanity for a post-apocalyptic road trip across the American wasteland.

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1. Underworld Beauty

Todd Stadtman reviews an under-appreciated gangster and gun molls yakuza picture from Seijun Suzuki. You want men and women shooting it out in their underwear? You got it.

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You’re the Top! The 10 most read articles in 2016

10. We Are Still Here

Ted Geoghegan’s tale of a haunted house, a vengeful spirit, and a sinister evil that is only ever alluded to and never fully explained is a folk horror tinged throwback to the days when horror was concerned with things like characters and atmosphere. It also boasts some great effects, a creepy story, and a cast of actual adult actors instead of teenagers. In a see of found footage movies about people setting up web cams so they can watch themselves fly backwards really fast, We Are Still Here is a lovely return to horror films with, you know, cinematography and narrative development.

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9. Moon Zero Two

Hammer didn’t make many science fiction films, but when they did, they made sure to include space scotch, dancing girls, and Michael Ripper in a shiny plaid vinyl shirt. Moon Zero Two is more fun to look at than it is to watch, if that makes any sense, but I’m not going to be too hard on a space western featuring Catherine Schell wearing a space pine cone on her head.

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8. Stoner

I’m not going to hazard a guess as to what people are looking for when they come to this review, but what they get is George Lazenby with a mustache, Angela Mao with a scowl, and a whole lot of kungfu kicking an evil sex cult that sells drugs. Which I guarantee you is probably better than whatever medical marijuana article they were actually looking for.

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7. Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf

A perennial favorite around these parts, you really can’t go wrong (or right) with a movie that puts Christopher Lee in new wave sunglasses and has him fight half-naked Sybil Danning and her hairy werewolf orgy friends.

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6. In the SHADO of the Moon

Our long look at Gerry Anderson’s live action science fiction shows is a brief history of UFO and Space: 1999 and features scintillating photos of Commander Koenig calmly sipping water and calmly sitting in a chair. Luckily, Brian Blessed is around to bellow, Peter Cushing is around to perform horrible experiments, everyone in both series suffers one horrible thing after another.

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5. FDR’s Secret Train

Beneath the Waldorf Astoria hotel is a secret train station connected by locked door to Grand Central Terminal. It was, reportedly, a private platform for American president Franklin Roosevelt, complete with an elevator to lift his armored limo onto the street. And a lot of that stuff is still sitting down there. Not FDR, though. He’s in Hyde Park.

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4. Jaani Dushman: Ek Anokhi Kahani

All of India loves Todd Stadtman’s review of this incredibly awful vanity project that believes your digital special effects can never be too awful as long as you have a ton of them. Also, the people who made this fantasy-horror-action film have obviously never seen a picture of a human skeleton.

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3. The Erotic Escapades of Emmanuelle, Part 1: Idleness is an Art Form

The first of an as-yet unfinished saga tracing the history of SYlvia Kristel’s Emmanuelle films. Honestly, I got through three parts and then decided it was going to be part of a book, but you can still enjoy this first entry, which contains a review of the original novel and lots of gratuitous nude photos of Emmanuelle Arsan, the real-life Emmanuelle.

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2. Tahalka

Look, you put Amrish Puri in a festive sequined band leader’s jacket, and people are going to want to know what’s up. Which is what keeps Todd Stadtman’s review of this candy-colored Bollywood adventure film at the top of the list every year.

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1. Sex and Naps

Carol Borden’s look at the occult texts and academic study that formed the basis of much of the ritual in the film The Wicker Man is on track to become the single most popular article in Teleport City history. So if you need to learn more about hands of glory, witch cults, and which quaint Scottish B&B’s are most likely to feature sex with Britt Ekland as part of the package, then enjoy!

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