Out of the possibilities that were offered as backups, Band picked “From Beyond.” It’s an interesting choice. Special effects in the 1980s were hardly up to the bizarre and immersive visuals described in the story; on the other hand, the basic premise was pretty simple, and it was short enough that the transmutation to a feature-length film more or less involved a minimal backbone of starting material and a lot of blank canvas upon which one could impose his own visions. That canvas was further maximized when the writers decided to use the short story as the prologue; by the time the film actually starts, the events in the short story have already taken place and we’re moving into what happens next.

It’s so wrong-headed, so awful, so scatterbrained, that once you get over (as a fan) the initial dismay at the havoc wreaked with your favorite characters, that the movie becomes a must-see of awful cinema. Even though Transformers: The Movie is ostensibly better, GI Joe: The Movie is the one I love more. GI Joe: The Movie feels like marketing was supposed to be first, but the screenwriter had so much booze and amphetamines that the whole thing veered off into the outer limits of madness. There’s just nothing in it that is well-done, and you know that from me, that’s an endorsement. Dumb as it is, there’s still a lot of fun that can be extracted from the mess, even if it’s just in listening to a voice actor earnestly trying to make “Cobra-lalalalalalala!” sound like a menacing battle cry.

Korkusuz isn’t the most insane example of Turkish filmmaking. At the time it came out, Turkish movie making was on the downswing. But it’s still a lot of fun and showcases the “anything goes” energy of Turkish action cinema that so endears them to jaded old coots like myself. Cetin Inanc made classic exploitation films for the classic exploitation reason: turning a profit. But what a film like Korkusuz shows is that the desire to turn a quick profit doesn’t necessarily mean that the movie doesn’t come at you with energy and fun. Surrounded as we are in 2009 by big budget movies that seem so cynical and treat their audience with an air of contempt, a movie like Korkusuz — while we can poke good-natured fun at its deficiencies — also comes as a welcome reminder of a time when a movie just wanted to show you a good time.

It also just may be that there’s an element of obstinacy in my inability to be really offended by S&M Hunter. The whole thing has a bratty quality to it that suggests that getting riled by it would simply be letting S&M Hunter win. What’s worse is that I actually kind of liked the movie, which may very well make me a horrible person. Still, if that be the verdict, it won’t prevent me from maintaining my regular program of affectionately patting all human beings under four feet tall on the head, slinging old ladies over my back two at a time to carry them across the street, and cooking elaborate meals for homeless people. You see, that’s the kind of guy I am.

In fact, when first I purchased this tape, I ended up returning it as defective. I bought it used from a video store that was liquidating its stock back in 1995 or so, and a few days later, I popped it in the VCR and set about watching it while I did some simple household chores. The film started out as a Road Warrior rip-off, with occasional Hong Kong action film villain Richard Norton tearing around the post-apocalyptic wasteland in a muscle car. Familiar enough territory. Then I got distracted, and when I returned to the living room I found that someone had recorded a different movie over the one I’d purchased. Because there on my screen was a Bruce Le kungfu film, with the famous Bruce Lee imitator locked in mortal kicking combat with Hwang Jang Lee wearing a silver wig.

In the end, offering up any sort of criticism of this film seems moot. Pointless. Nigh impossible. It’s like trying to write sensibly about Alejandro Jodoworsky at his most insane. This is the rare film that is so poorly made, so absolutely weird, that it becomes a form of outsider art. Centuries from now, future generations will discover this VHS tape as they mine old landfills for relics of the past, and they will not need to ask themselves any further why 21st century man faded from this realm. This film has a hypnotic effect on me. Like some ancient Stygian evil, it terrifies me beyond the capacity for rational thought, and in doing so, it makes it impossible for me to turn away. Rest assured that when those future archaeologists excavate Roller Blade, they will find whatever skeletal remnants of my hand that remains still clutching it dearly.

Release Year: 1986 Country: Hong Kong Starring: Siu-Hou Chin, Maggie Cheung, Dick Wei, Sau-Lai Tsui, Chow Yun Fat, Elvis Tsui, Ken Boyle, Yuen Chor. Writer: Daniel Ullman Director: Lam Ngai Kai Cinematographer: Chiu-Lam Ko Music: Gam Wing Shing Producer: Raymond Chow, Leonard Ho, Jing Wong Original Title: Yuan Zhen-Xia yu Wei Si-Li Alternate Title: Dr. [...]

1986, Japan. Starring Akira Kamiya, Michiko Kawai, Hideyuki Tanaka, Toshio Furukawa, Tessho Genda, Hirotaka Suzuoki, Norio Wakamoto, Michihiro Ikemizu, Kozo Shioya, Tarako, Tsutomu Kashiwakura. Directed by Satoshi Dezaki and Tsuneo Tominaga. Written by Moto Hagio, Toshiaki Imaizumi, Katsumi Koide. They Were 11 continues a recent trend for me, which is visiting old anime titles that, [...]

1986, Japan. Directed by Toshio Masuda, Takeshi Shirado, Eiichi Yamamoto. Written by Kazuo Kasahara, Toshio Masuda, Yoshinobu Nishizaki, Eiichi Yamamoto. Purchase from Amazon.com. Let me start off by saying that I love Odin. Absolutely love it. All those people in the world who call it one of the worst animated films of all time? Liars. [...]

Even more shocking than an army of Lou Reeds murdering people is the fact that someone would even bother to make an army of Lou Reeds in the first place, but every one of these guys looks like him. Kinky hair. Same facial structure. Same mirror sunglasses. If you were training a small force of super-soldiers, I guess there is some psychological advantage to making them look like Lou Reed. Personally, I would have made them look like Iggy Pop and Shane MacGowan, but what do I know about elite battalions? Suffice to say, if I saw Lou reed or a reasonable facsimile thereof coming after me with a radio headset and machine gun, I’d probably get to runnin’, especially if Metal Machine Music is playing in the background.

1986, Italy. Starring David Edwin Knight, Nancy Brilli, Coralina Cataldi Tassoni, Bobby Rhodes, Asia Argento, Virginia Bryant, Anita Bartolucci, Antonio Cantafora, Luisa Passega, Davide Marotta, Marco Vivio, Michele Mirabella, Lorenzo Gioielli, Lino Salemme, Maria Chiara Sasso. Directed by Lamberto Bava. Written by Dario Argento and Lamberto Bava. Available on DVD (Amazon). Mmm, I’ve been looking [...]

What it boils down to, then, is the simple fact that I don’t think Band of the Hand is a particularly bad movie. Sure, it has some pretty obvious flaws, and in the end, it’s pretty silly. In the end, however, it does for Michael Mann what The Last Dragon did for Barry Gordy. Actually, “not much” would be what it did for them. But both, in my opinion, manage to rise above their obvious short-comings and deliver movies that are, if not perfect, at least fun. Compared to most of the action films from the 1980s, Band of the Hand is a damn work of art, but removed from those low standards, it remains a decent if not entirely successful action film with a goofy moral, lots of energy, and style to spare. I went into it expecting to laugh, and I discovered that despite the 1980s trappings, it was still an alright b-grade action film.