So, yes, if you’ve seen a James Bond movie, you know exactly what tropes Altin Cocuk holds in store. But the film nonetheless offers distinct pleasures in the course of watching them unfold. When sour-faced Goksel Arsoy and the unnamed woman don their scuba gear and prepare to make their descent down to the evil genius’s lair, the thrill we feel is like a muscle memory, coming almost in spite of the fact that we know full well that we’re not going to see events play out on the scale we imagine. The fact is that, by this point, Altin Cocuk has demonstrated enough of a good faith effort that we’re willing to sign on, buy in, and perhaps fill in the gaps ourselves when necessary.

Oh yeah, I forgot that I never finished reviewing all the Bond books by Ian Fleming. In a way, that in itself is a fitting review of the final of Fleming’s influential adventures starring international pop culture icon James Bond. There is nothing about The Man with the Golden Gun that I would call bad. But there sure is a lot of it — as in all of it — that I would call unmemorable. Fleming was dying (some people say he even died before he finished, and what remained was polished off by his long-time friend Kingsley Amis). He was sick of Bond. But he’d had the bad fortune of ending the previous, and one of the best, Bond books on a cliffhanger, as he had taken to doing with most of the stories once he realized this was going to be his career. Well, this, and spokesman for cigarette holders.

The success of this first wave of sword and sorcery films paved the way for a second wave. Amongst this crop was The Beastmaster. The Beastmaster, like the others was not a runaway hit when it was released. To be fair though, it was up against some pretty stiff competition, including ET – the Extra Terrestrial, An Officer and a Gentleman and The Road Warrior (or Mad Max 2 as it will always been known to me). But the film did reasonable business, making around three-million dollars in the United States, which was about a third of the films production costs. The film did well in Europe, on video, and became a mainstay on cable television. It has been reported that a comedian remarked that the meaning of HBO was not ‘Home Box Office’, but ‘Hey, Beastmaster’s On’.

First we headed up to the Museum of Modern Art to check out the Tim Burton exhibit. We’ve been trying to go for a while now, but scheduling conflicts and sold out shows kept us away. Eventually Ellie just bought a membership to the museum, so we can mosey in any time we want like we own the joint. The Burton exhibit was worth the effort to go, even if my two favorite Tim Burton movies (Pee Wee’s Big Adventure and Sleepy Hollow) were sorely under-represented. The bulk of the show is the hundreds and hundreds of sketches — everything from doodles to artwork to production sketches and storyboards — by Burton and whoever was working with Burton at the time. His own “Clown Series” is as big a nightmare as you would assume.

Dracula’s Music Cabinet was part of a wave of horror-themed novelty albums released in Germany during the late 60s and early 70s, all of which were seemingly inspired by the very type of horror films that Europe was producing at the time, as best exemplified by the work of our own beloved Jess Franco. The liner notes to UK Label Finders Keepers’ recent CD reissue of the album refer to it as a soundtrack to a nonexistent film, which is pretty much right on the money. Like the soundtracks to many Euro-horror films from the 60s, much of the music on Music Cabinet consists of vaguely psychedelic lounge jazz that in itself doesn’t suggest any traditional kind of horror ambiance at all.

There was a time, starting in the 1970s with funk and overflowing into the nascent hip hop scene, when people really liked singing about outer space and the future. Whether it was Parliament and Funkadelic dressing up like outer space super heroes (plus a guy in a diaper), The Jonzun Crew’s Elizabethan space dandy look, Earth Wind and Fire fighting robots in a post apocalyptic future, or Sun Ra creating an entire, elaborate personal mythology involving outer space, alternate universes, Atlantic, and Egypt, the pervading sentiment was that one day, black people would pack up in a bunch of UFOs and get the hell off this shitty planet and go somewhere way more awesome. If they had to wear silver pyramids on their heads to do it… well, everyone has to make sacrifices.

The sad passing of actor Tony Kendall – aka Luciano Stella – back in November inspired me to get back on board with the project of reviewing the Kommissar X films for Teleport City. Not that I can say with authority that the Kommissar X films represent the best of Mr. Stella’s work, mind you – I haven’t, for instance, seen Yeti: Giant of the 20th Century, or Hate Is My God, to name just a couple of his many non-Eurospy efforts. It’s just that it’s those movies, and Kendall’s portrayal within them of dick-both-public-and-private Joe Walker, that won him permanent residence in a very special secret space-age lair located deep within my heart.

So every year my gal and I head out to Chinatown for the Lunar New Year celebration, and almost every time we’ve gone, we’ve spent the entire time shoved shoulder to shoulder with a ton of people, unable to see anything at all or get a decent picture. So this year, when we decided to hit the street and enjoy mostly obstructed views of tired guys trying to lion dance the entire day away, I figured fuck it. I wouldn’t bother with a camera or anything, since in ten years or so, I’ve never gotten a decent shot of anything other than the back of some old dude’s head sporting a wicked comb over. Forget everything you ever thought you knew about them, man. Chinatown is ground zero for the most epic and desperate comb overs you will ever see.

“This can’t be right,” I thought. “This sounds awesome, but I distinctly remember the movie being so incredibly boring that I almost gave up on finishing it.” But then the fog cleared, and I remembered that part of what makes Amazons vs. Supermen such a colossal disappointment is that, in summary, it sounds like so much fun. But it isn’t. Star Aldo Canti was a stuntman, and he throws himself into the physical aspect of the movie with reckless gusto. He spends nearly every moment of his screen time running, jumping, throwing things, flipping around, and bouncing up and down on hidden trampolines, but his zest for jumping over things is undercut by by indifferent direction, bad pacing, and too many comical sound effects.

Hailing from the Speyside region of Scotland, Mortlach is a single malt whose primary claim to fame is that it is one of the primary ingredients in the world’s favorite blended scotch whisky, Johnnie Walker. As is also the case with Strathisla (one of the primary ingredients in Chivas Regal), the popularity of Mortlach as a base for a hugely in-demand blend means that the single malt can be something of a chore to find. The distillery was founded in 1823 by a cat named James Findlater, though as is often the case, it’s likely that whisky was being distilled there long before it was legally sanctioned.

I would suggest that Coopers Sparkling Ale is in the top two mass-produced beers in Australia. On its day it may be number one (I have a soft spot for Toohey’s Old but I’ll talk about that some other day). But it is a heavy beer, with a strong, bitter aftertaste. Definitely not a quaffing beer. Due to its fuller body, it’s probably not your first choice on a day where the temperature reaches over 30 degree Celsius either. It could seem a bit heavy and bloating. But on a fine spring or autumn day, where you can sit outside with friends — maybe with an anti-pasto or cheese platter, this beer is — dare I say it — one of the finest in the world of its kind.

I think my problem with Hearts and Armour stems from the fact that it is one of the few films of its kind that I didn’t see when it was originally released. Others like Conan, The Sword and the Sorcerer, The Beastmaster and a whole slew of others, I saw either at the cinema or later, immediately when they were released on video. I saw these films during my formative years and at a time of where these films were relevant to my peers. In that regard I probably overlook and forgive many of the flaws in those films because I know them so well or I simply have a retrospective positive association with each film. But not so Hearts and Armour. I have no inbuilt love for the film.